out of the ashes

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Heinz 57

Sunday afternoon.
I finished my script--I dunno'--yesterday? The (almost) final draft. I posted the book, but then early this morning something struck me. "You're not quite finished. Do this in the ending scene as the credits roll." Cut In.
And so I wrote a bit more:) NOW it's complete.
The script is a bit short by industry standards, but I think I'll work on it to get it to length. Keep revising. This one is worth it:)

A few of the comments...first draft (Wendy and Val) to final (Janice Abel-storyteller4, a retired teacher).

storyteller4 has saved "Heinz 57" to his/her favorites
On October 9th 2011
storyteller4 commented at October 9th 2011
I am listening and seeing
your piece on the screen.

The storyline and characters are great, and the use of art and chosen music carries a message of the power of the fine arts into a tough real life situation. It can be read at many levels.
I cannot speak to screenwriting format, but I can to the chosen music that spins Rollo Heinz’ visions of art and the storyline into a seamless whole. The dialogue references to Jackson Pollock(abstract-expressionism) and Toulouse Lautrec(post-impression) provide a vision for the art work of the prisoners and at same time strengthens the dialogue. Also, the humor in a rough and serious situation, I especially liked.
Use of Khachaturian, Rachmaninov, and in particular, the last scene, the use of Handel in conjunction with the Sistine Chapel, Adam and the creation, punctuates the storyline, its pace and its ending message. Though this last scene and use of this music and art may be considered by some as cliché, it will be widely recognize with a large audience.
The story is not just a story; it is a cohesive art piece. Understanding of the fine arts demonstrated by the author will clearly set this piece apart from many. It appears, that in conjunction with a music and art director, the outline provides meat enough to move the piece to reality. I can even hear and see parts of it as I read it. Bravo! Take a bow, Patrick.

gooduklady commented at October 6th 2011
All I can say, in absolute admiration, is:

yezall commented at October 6th 2011
Once in a while
I'm just amazed...amazed at the talent that comes from this site. This is a piece that is well written and professional. For me, screenplays aren't easy to read but the story line was able to hold me until the end. I wasn't a stretch to imagine it on the big screen.

paulashene commented at October 6th 2011
Good read!
I was impressed with the lisp - boy is that hard to write..This was easy to read and the dialogue gritty as needed...used the enlarge tool..p;]

lazarus67 commented at October 6th 2011
Just finished reading it. YouTubed most of the music meantioned in the script for background effect. Yes, I too wondered about Zippo's name on the plaque. Is there a parte deux?
Well done my friend!
Really deserves an ovation AND vote.

xmeli.j.nightlyx commented at October 6th 2011
Wow... speechless as always with your talent. You are truly amazing at every project you take. This was very entertaining, it had a bit of everything mixed into a perfect screenplay. Your time was truly well spent as well as mine for reading it. It is a must read!

writingmum commented at October 6th 2011
A labor of love
Gosh, I'm so impressed that you have achieved this great piece of work. I wrote my two scripts a while ago, so I have been without the pressure you have been under for the past few weeks.

Hats off to you. You've taken to script writing like a duck to water. The visuals are very well detailed and the dialogue was pacy, sharp and believable.

This isn't a chick's kinda thing, but i believe you'd have a big male audience if it was produced. Saying that, I love movies set in jails and i think you've got a lot of humour in there to attract a few females (like moi) also.

I have to remark on the technical stuff because script writing is all about that in the real world. The guys out there beyond this competition won't touch a script if its not formatted correctly. I personally think it doesn't have to be perfect, and that errors can be glossed over with great storyline, character and dialogue.

Your biggest imperfection in terms of format, is when you get all excited and you break out of present tense. I smiled when i saw you do it, because I do the same on occasions.

Put it into your mind that 'ings' are bad. Drop them and you've got your present tense.

For example, Page. 23 (Marsten's dialogue. In one paragraph you wrote, smiling, shifting, ducking and frowning. Should be smiles, shifts, ducks and frowns. Every time!

Page 44. nodding, sitting, laying, shouting. Should be nods, sits, lies, shouts.

Got to mention about the length. i am slightly worried it's too long, but I think you can trim it back in your narratives. For example if you look at the fight on p.72. It's very dramatic, but I think as a first draft script, you would be better to tone it down and just say a fight breaks out. It'll move the script along faster, IMHO.

Maybe trim down the narrative a bit for the contest, but keep your original draft.

Another thing in terms of technicality. Page 62 (I think) the 'three days later' thing. I think that should be on the slug line, so that it's clear.

So overall, I thought the story was excellent and very well executed. Congratulations for getting the job done and good luck with the contest.

P.S if you want me to take out the editing parts of this review to make it shorter, just holler. No probs.

gooduklady commented at October 9th 2011
Love the new ending...it is inspired! Way to go, Patrick! You are now officially a screenwriter. Who knew? xxx

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